I lost everything. Every material possession at least. I thought that was everything which is just sad. My identity was tied to success and the only measure for that success was money. I thought ending it was the selfless way out but that couldn’t be farther from the truth.
My therapist thinks maybe I subconsciously spent and dealt my money away as fast as possible because secretly I knew it was that identity that I hated. Maybe. Probably I’m just an idiot and should have stuck to my true values.
Fuck gambling and fuck the world we live in for allowing it to enter our society the way it has. The incredulous number of ads shoved down my throat pisses me off. It pisses me off that they use sex, money, masculinity to promote it. I understand why of course but god damn, talk about the destruction of a young person’s mind. In a world that’s already corrupted with debt, consumerism, and materialism it’s the perfect revenue machine and we are all just getting shafted.
It’s our own doing. I’m not denying that. I take responsibility for my actions, but some things are outside of my control.
My life before was trying to find the easiest, quickest shortcut available. For everything. Gambling was no different. How can I get rich quick? How do I count cards? How do I beat a system designed to beat me? I must’ve been an arrogant motherfucker to assume I could do any of that.
The answers to life are always right in front of us but they require strength to just do. Easier said than done. I certainly did not have the strength nor humility to just do.
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